BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.
“Oh man, where is she?” coffee shop regular Glen Partridge said to himself, scanning the room for the Good-Looking One but finding only the Bad-Mood One, the Gay One, the Fat One With Red Hair Who Always Wears It In Braids, and others. “I deliberately sat in her section and even wore that brown sweater that makes me look thinner.” “Now I’m stuck with what’s-her-face,” added Partridge, referring to the Really Annoying One Who Blinks A Lot When She Talks. The Good-Looking One, whom sources describe as really good-looking, with a pleasant complexion, a great body, and long brunette hair, usually works the morning shift, but was nowhere to be found at 10 a.m today, causing speculation as to her whereabouts.The Onion: “Good looking one not working today”
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